Football players agree to train deprived Etonians in civics, political philosophy and rhetoric

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Drug-addled irresponsible sexual deviants whose time at Eton left them unable to string a coherent sentence together or formulate basic concepts are set to receive expert tutelage from the eloquent thinkers of the Premier League in the hope of breaking the infamous “cycle of cuntery”.

Simone Williams, who runs the charity You’d Be A Twat Too If You Went There, said that the offer of help from wordsmiths like Gareth Southgate gave the first hope in generations that senior Tories won’t always sound like coked-up Hooray Henrys on trial for drunk-driving.

She went on, “It’s a hard idea for older people to grasp but the truth is that today’s football stars are effective social activists that can set logical policy objectives and express their beliefs in rational yet emotionally appealing terms.

“Whereas an upper-class Cabinet minister that has had every privilege thrown at him can’t sit through a simple interview before waffling on about sausages and running into white goods.

“This intellectual divide grows deeper every year. Barely two decades ago, Paul Gascoigne was a typical England player and imbeciles like Jacob Rees-Mogg were safely tucked away in pointless constituencies like Somerset so they could do little damage but keep the family money coming into party coffers.

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“Nowadays, the only hope to see effective social welfare provision aimed at helping deprived groups is if you can get a 23-year-old footballer to take it on as a hobby.

“And yes, our PM is basically the slow-witted violent cousin who’s going to inherit the family’s tea plantations so we’ll just have to tell the girl’s parents that keeping her quiet will see them set up for life.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – see the full collection HERE!

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