Tuesday 8 June 2021 by Mark Molloy

‘It’s just no maintenance whatsoever’ insists man on his hands and knees brushing and hoovering his artificial grass


artificial grass no hassle whatsoever

A man has been singing the praises today of the newly installed, hassle-free, zero-maintenance artificial lawn in his garden, all whilst crouched on his hands and knees hoovering up bits for the third time this week.

Simon Williams, who had his new artificial grass installed just over a fortnight ago, has only actually had to spend 5 hours so far walking around his garden picking up bird shit and leaves.

Speaking earlier he told us, “Real lawns are for losers. Fact.

“All that mowing your lawn every week or so, for about half an hour at a time. And not having to touch it at all during winter. Nah, not for me mate.

“Artificial grass is where it’s at. No maintenance whatsoever. Once it’s in, that’s it. You don’t have to do a thing ever again. Apart from hoover the thing every other day, because it gets covered in shite.

“And pick up bits of bird shit, and food, and leaves and stones and general little bits of shit that somehow make their way onto the surface, every fucking day.

“But other than that, I’ve hardly spent a minute on it, and I can just kick back and relax and enjoy my investment, while everyone else is mowing their lawn or spending about £20 a month on gardeners.”

Asked how much the artificial grass was to install he told us, “Only about four grand. Bargain mate.”

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