England’s most talented football players are said to be utterly demoralised after the shocking news that their ritual of kneeling before matches lost them the vital moral support of a completely unknown Conservative MP from Shropshire or something like that.
Simon Williams, a trauma specialist dispatched to offer counselling to the devastated England players, confirmed that condemnation from a politician no one can name had caused such a psychological blow it could wreck the team’s hopes of winning anything.
“The lads are basically walking about aimlessly since the news. These are all seasoned pros yet it’s hard to get them to lace up their boots once they knew their behaviour cost them the esteem of someone we think is called Brendan or possibly Lee.
“The truth is that none of them play for England because they grew up worshipping their forebears and it’s seen as the greatest consecration of their skills that no amount of Premier League money can buy.
“No, to a man they play because they hope that one day, someone as distinguished as one of the 19 members of the famous Public Bill Committee will voice their approval of them.
“And the one that’s worst-hit is Marcus. He thought that feeding hungry children would have bought him some respect from a Tommy Robinson fan who once suggested council tenants be put in work camps. But apparently not.
“Marcus is wondering how he’ll ever show his face in… I’m guessing Rutland?”
Mr Williams ended with a plea not to publicise that Laurence Fox, the nation’s favourite racist trustafarian, was also boycotting England games.
“I honestly think they might just pack it and retire if they found out.”