Wednesday 2 June 2021

Schools suddenly awarded all the catch-up funding they need after contract to run programme won by Tory donor


Tory donors get catch-up funding

The nation’s schools have suddenly been awarded the £15bn they need in catch-up funding after a number of Tory donors won the contracts to run the country’s educational establishments.

After education recovery commissioner for England, Sir Kevan Collins, resigned earlier today over an insufficient amount of funding being set aside for catch-up programmes, schools across the country suddenly found themselves showered in government cash after enlisting the help of a few Tory donors.

“It’s the game we have to play, unfortunately,” explained headmaster Simon Williams.

“We recognise the only way to get this government to throw vasts amounts of cash at you, and to have very few questions asked, is to get a Tory donor to ask them for it.

“Sure, you would have hoped that the education of the nation’s children, which has been adversely affected after a year of lockdowns, would be worth more than £50-a-head – but clearly not.  Well, not until we decided to let a Tory donor run the catch-up programme itself.

“Our particular donor, Edward Walden-Smyth III, has no experience whatsoever in education – he worked in oil or something – but that didn’t stop him making one call to a ‘friend of his’ and getting the government to increase its offer from £1.4bn to the £15bn the experts agreed we actually need.

“The Tory donors will take a fairly big cut of that cash, obviously, but we’ll hopefully still get more than the derisory amount the government offered in the first place.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – see the full range here!

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