Tuesday 1 June 2021 by Arabin Patson

‘Secret wedding’ redefined to mean a marriage in a huge cathedral with pictures published nationwide


The traditional definition of a secret wedding, as one that very few people are aware of thanks to steps taken to preserve the furtivity of the event, has been changed by the OED to mean a hastily arranged marriage undertaken to smother negative press about COVID deaths.

Historical Linguistics lecturer at Croydon University, Dr Simone Williams, said that the way the term was used in recent events showed the ancient definition was obsolete.

“Historical secret weddings would never involve 30 guests. To have a chance at keeping things quiet you’re looking at 5 to 6 people at most.

“The couple, two witnesses, a priest and maybe the bride’s old wet nurse. In rare cases, you can add a dull-witted peasant lad who saw light coming from the abandoned chapel in the woods and ends up being bribed or knifed.

“What’s more, and this is key, at no point does the eloping couple send criers through the land to loudly proclaim what they just went to great lengths to hide.

“Nor do they put up woodcuts of the event that make everyone feel queasy because at first, you think it’s an image of a proud father giving away the hand of his daughter and then it’s… ewwww.”

Dr Williams was asked if the failed secrecy of the wedding and the contrived controversy about its validity within the Catholic faith were deliberate.

“Quite possibly. After all, it’s better to have the press talking about the veracity of your conversion to Anglicanism at Eton than the fact you turned the nation’s care homes into death chambers by locking in their charges without testing for COVID.

“And it’s worked. It always fucking works.”

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