Sunday 30 May 2021 by Davywavy

I only married her because spouses can’t be compelled to testify, by Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson married

As you doubtless know, I have to turn out several thousand jolly, bumptious and well-remunerated words a week simply to keep up with my child support payments, and so it should come as no surprise that I’ve turned to the keyboard again so quickly after getting the missy up the aisle.

You see, there comes a time in a chap’s life when he’s got some game filly with her feet under the table and a bun in the oven and she starts asking tricky questions like ‘What’s your real name?’ and ‘Can I have your actual phone number and not the one off the speaking clock like you gave me last time?’, and he’s faced with a dilemma.

And that dilemma is: does he trust her with the details of the accounts all his ex-wives and sundry bits on the side don’t know about should they ever drag him through the courts again?

Because if the new bit of fluff doesn’t know about that additional moolah which some chaps a chap might happen to know had popped through as expenses rather than strictly taxable income, she might start asking even more questions like ‘Who is paying for all of this?’ and ‘Where did that wallpaper come from?’

It’s a slippery slope from there. A hole with no bottom, you might say. Which, whilst better than a bottom with no hole, is still an intolerable prospect.

And at that moment a chap must face up to what is the right and decent thing to acknowledge: No court in the land can compel a spouse to testify, so he’d better get her in a church before the bailiffs turn up.

Shakespeare – about whom I am writing a book which will be out shortly and the proceeds from which will fund, oh, whichever one of them, I can’t be expected to remember their names now, through school – could not have imagined a finer love story. One which shall be sung through the ages, if only we have a modern Prokoviev to score it.

Tristan and Isolde. Romeo and Juliet. Boris and Carrie. Great passions carried out without a care to what the world may think! Beyond boring respectability or convention!

And then quickly formalised ten minutes before the fuzz arrive.

Previous post:

Next post: