Boris Johnson’s wedding vows exclusively revealed

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Boris Johnson has married his fiancee Carrie Symonds in a secret wedding ceremony at Westminster Cathedral, and we can today exclusively reveal his wedding vows, which were tailored specifically for the Prime Minister and his unique approach to matrimony.

Johnson tied the knot for the third time yesterday, in a move many are insisting is in no way designed to stem criticism of his coronavirus response following evidence given by Dominic Cummings to a parliamentary committee.

A Downing Street official told us, “It is perfectly normal for a high-profile couple to get engaged, telling everyone including the media they’re doing it, and to then get married in secret just days after some pretty damning negative press.

“I should also point out there is no truth in the rumour that Boris demanded a ‘quickie’ marriage after someone said he could declare all gifts and loans in the last couple of years as ‘early wedding gifts’.”

Meanwhile, we have gained exclusive access to Boris’ wedding vows, which he had drawn on a flash card next to a childish doodle of some boobs:

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“I, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson take thee, the third one, to be my current wife,
forsaking most others,
to have and to hold from this day forward until such time as it is no longer convenient,
for better, and only better,
for richer, and much richer,
in sickness (as long as it’s not one of the bad ones),
to love and to cherish, till something better comes along,
as long we both shall live comfortably.”

Meanwhile, guests who were not invited were told to send cold hard cash in lieu of gifts.