Friday 28 May 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Tory voters defend Boris Johnson’s controversial ‘I’m going to f**king murder you all’ speech


Boris Johnson speech

Tory voters have leapt to the defence of the Prime Minister following his controversial speech in which he outlined Government plans to murder everyone.

Beginning his speech with the words ‘I’m going to f**king murder you all,’ the PM went one to describe how his abject contempt for the British people had reached such a level that will be killing everyone through a programme of poisoning, stabbing, shooting, and drowning.

“I’d still vote for him,” said simpleton Simon Williams, in response to the speech.

“I mean, yes, he wants to murder everyone, but what’s the alternative? Labour? They’d just increase taxes and try and help old people.”

Eleanor Gay, a gravel auditor from Whitstable, agreed.

“Yeah, I’d probably still vote for him. I mean, he’s quite funny and that, isn’t he? You know, when he says wiff waff and everything. He’s got a bit of personality and he makes you smile. That’s good, isn’t it?”

Labour’s Keir Starmer responded to the Prime Minister’s speech with the following pledge.

“I promise that if I become Prime Minister, I will definitely not murder everyone.”

However, it looks like that hasn’t really cut through with the public.

“Keir Starmer? I don’t really trust him,” said Rosemary Binlid, a cat famer from Chelmsford.

“He says he wouldn’t murder everyone, but if he got in power, he probably would. They’re all the same. I’ll stick with Boris because he got Brexit done, didn’t he?”

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