“I was busy saving lives” insists man with a really terrible track record for saving lives

author avatar by 3 years ago

In a shocking turn of events, Matt Hancock has said something ill-thought-out.

The Health Secretary, who 100% led a Scout patrol as a child and thought he was cool for it, said that he did not catch any part of Dominic Cummings’ damning testimony against him as he was “busy saving lives”.

“Was he? That’s odd, I’ve not seen him about,” said frontline Covid ward nurse, Hayley Rice, who caught Covid following a lack of PPE and hasn’t slept since February 2020.

“I’ve mainly seen him on the news passing the difficult questions across to Chris Whitty, or pretending to cry. That was really helpful. Gave a moment of comedy in an otherwise incredibly bleak day – three people on my ward died.

“When he says he’s ‘saving lives’… I mean… is he? It’s all been really very ‘deathy’ recently, probably far more than it could have been, and I’m almost certain that’s partly his fault.

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“In terms of ‘saving lives’, he’s not exactly a superhero.

“…unless you count Superman in Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel. You know, the bit at the end where he basically demolishes a city and kills hundreds of people to ‘save the day’. That might be a valid comparison to Hancock, minus the abs.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get your drinking receptacle here!