Wednesday 26 May 2021 by Neil Tollfree

‘Don’t lick a zebra for more than 3 minutes’ – Government announce new surreal Covid approach


Matt Hancock surreal covid advice

The Government has announced that it will be adopting a new surreal approach to the coronavirus pandemic and has issued advice to not lick a zebra and to put coal in your pants.

“Thanks to our successful vaccination strategy, the virus is now largely happy fish,” explained little Matt Hancock, a schoolboy who won a competition to become a minister.

“As such, it is now appropriate to adopt a surreal approach to coronavirus, particularly in areas where the new giant cabbage of concern has become prevalent.”

The main advice under the new surreal approach is as follows:

  • Rub a tree twice a day.
  • Only playfully wrestle with large men if there is no other option.
  • Fill up your bathroom with soft foam balls.
  • Keep a turtle in your pocket at all times.
  • Develop an underground network of tunnels.
  • Paint your children purple and make them sing Purple Rain whenever visitors arrive.
  • Bugger a dalmatian.

Scientists were surprised by the move.

“The Government are still offering advice? I thought they’d moved to a policy of just hoping everything sorts itself out,” said Professor Eleanor Gay.

However, after consideration, she was largely sanguine about the change.

“Well, it’s profoundly stupid, meaningless, and won’t help combat coronavirus at all,” she said.

“So, it’s broadly in line with everything they’ve done so far.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes, see who made the cut!

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