Dominic Cummings is running late to his testimony.
The Tony Robinson impersonator come political hand grenade was due to begin testimony at nine-thirty this morning, much to the excitement of literally everyone who isn’t a member of the government.
However, the diminutive devil is running late after a test run to test his eyesight went horribly wrong.
“I’ll be an extra hour,” confirmed Cummings, from the cabin of an AA truck.
“I was making my usual trip to Barnard Castle when a lake came at me out of nowhere and I ploughed my Land Rover straight into it.
“I behaved legally and ethically… I’m pretty sure driving into a lake isn’t illegal.”
“It is fucking funny though,” chuckled Conservative MP, Simon Williams.
“Not that I wish harm on the little scrote, of course, but to hear that he’s written off a fairly expensive car does warm the heart.
“It’s definitely the best thing that’s going to happen today. Myself and most of my colleagues have all booked very long holidays starting from tomorrow.
“We might as well. All of our careers are basically finished after today.”