Wednesday 26 May 2021 by Lucas Wilde

“Come on then, fuckers!” roars drunken Dominic Cummings at parliamentary session


Dominic Cummings parliamentary evidence

Dominic Cummings has finally snapped and is offering a fistfight to anyone within swinging distance.

Having arrived at a 9:30am parliamentary session visibly pissed, Dominic Cummings has finally had enough of literally everyone’s bullshit except for his own, and gave in to a six-pack of special brew this morning.

“Wheresh Borish and his SLAAAAAAG of a fiance…” slurred Cummings, spinning around and accidentally twatting a journalist in the face.

“You all wannna piesh of THISH? Come on, lesh go, I’ll give you a SESSION alright…a session…with my FISHTS…”

A government spokesperson said, “Let’s be honest, we’ve all placed bets on what might happen today, but Cummings taking his shirt off and offering a fistfight wasn’t one of them.”

“Oh wait… I take it back, Fred had that one. Blimey, good call Fred.

“Anyway… this isn’t the first time someone has shown up drunk to parliament and it certainly won’t be the last, but it’s definitely going to make the day more challenging.

“The first task is going to be getting him down from that ceiling fan… look at him go, he’s like an uglier monkey.”

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