Wednesday 26 May 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Big Sam Allardyce seals himself in wrapping paper and lies waiting outside White Hart Lane


Sam Allardyce outside Tottenham stadium

Sam Allardyce is giving himself to Tottenham Hotspur.

The disgraced former England manager and recently relegated former boss of West Brom heard of the sacking of Jose Mourinho and immediately set about himself with wrapping paper and sellotape.

“I’m the miracle Spurs fans have waited for,” lied Allardyce, his mouth poking out the top of the box and wrapping paper to allow him to breathe and eat from a Ginster’s pasty selection box he brought to keep him going.

“Well, OK, maybe not, but they don’t call the summer ‘silly season’ for not reason, so no harm in trying one’s luck. It’s not like I’m going to be any worse than Mourinho, is it?

“Hm? What’s that? No, of COURSE I’m not naked under here. That would be mental. I’m wearing a full suit under all this nonsense.

“Hope they bring me inside to unwrap me soon, it’s bloody hot in here. I should have made airholes.”

White Hart Lane security guard, Simon Williams, said “Oh great, someone’s left a Sam Allardyce on our doorstep. I’m going to be the one who has to clear that up, aren’t I?

“I’d sooner a bag of burning turds, to be honest. You can pour water on that and throw it in the river without the police getting involved.”

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