Tuesday 25 May 2021 by Frances Ward

New world record for ‘largest understatement’ as report finds Boris’ burkha comments ‘gave impression of insensitivity’


Boris Johnson insensitivity report

A report ordered by the prime minister in 2019 following accusations of Islamophobia in the Conservative party has found that there was some, kind of, but nothing to write home about, it has inevitably emerged.

The review, led by Prof Soft-Soap or something passive, was set up to examine the complaints and has spent the last 18 months coming up with the most soporifically bland conclusions possible.

One author, Simone Williams commented, “Let’s face it, we were truly shafted from the outset. We were commissioned by the prime minister to look into things he didn’t want us to look into.

“You know, like whether his comments that women wearing burkas looked like ‘letterboxes’ or ‘bank robbers’ were Islamo-fucking-phobic. Urgh, what now?

“Yes, I’m sure that those responsible for making Islamophobic comments will be shaken to their very cores by our brutal assessments of how they were, you know, Islamophobic,” sighed Simone.

“Oh, but we also made really strong recommendations,” continued a now borderline hysterical Simone.

“Like a Code of Conduct, of course, so they all know that Islamophobia is ‘bad.’ We also recommended that the Code of Conduct sets out that ‘bad’ means ‘not good’.

One Conservative HQ party member, Basil Carrington-Frown said, “How do we intend to tackle the failings highlighted by the investigation?

“Failings? Oh, you mean how can we help the average Muslim not be so sensitive? Yes, not quite sure about that one.

“They are a quite sensitive bunch, aren’t they? Best to just let sleeping dogs lie, I say.

“Or should I say, best let kneeling Muslims pray,” chortled Carrington-Frown.

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