Tuesday 25 May 2021 by Arabin Patson

8 reasons why ‘listicles’ are utter wank (you won’t BELIEVE how f*cking dull number 7 is)


listicle articles

In a desperate attempt to thwart social media algorithms and increase page-views, NewsYhump is trying out a new format that was recommended by someone who knows what the fuck a MattyBRaps is.

However, we apparently need a couple of sentences at the start to remind you of the topic because the title wasn’t fucking obvious enough. Anyway, see below:

  1. Listicles perpetuate the myth that youngsters have the attention span of coked-up airedales. This is bollocks maintained by older generations who pretend they only pursue deep and enriching activities. Pro-tip: If anyone over 40 gives you shit for watching dross on Youtube, ask them about UK Gold. Or Babestation.
  2. You’ll never learn anything. 20-30 words is not a serious outline of anything. It’s basically a bumper sticker with ideas above its station. Simplicity can be a virtue but more often than not it’s just a way to hide the fact you’re an idiot.
  3. They hierarchise things that shouldn’t be. Are people seriously trying to rank historical figures by how crazy they were, or which is the best purebreed cat? Why stop there? Why not rank the cruellest ethnic cleansings or the smelliest STIs?
  4. Listicles spawned an online hellscape of clickbait titles that end up making everyone cynical because they are so meaningless. There’s a reason kids are happy to watch some idiot tween jump-dance on Tik-tok. It’s shit but at least it’s genuine.
  5. They are really tedious to write, as most authors will have an idea for maybe five items and the rest is just filler pulled out of their arses.
  6. Struggling now. Err, they’re annoying to format? [Correct, Ed]
  7. I’m tapped out. Stop reading.
  8. Seriously, you pushed on to 8? Jesus wept, have some fucking dignity. One of us should.

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