Saturday 22 May 2021 by Mark Molloy

Eurovision organisers to save time by getting every country to award UK ‘nil points’ in advance


Eurovision 2021

The UK has been awarded ‘nil points’ by every European nation for tonight’s Eurovision Song Contest, as organisers seek to save time spent asking them for a score on the night.

With the UK still everyone’s favourite nation in Europe since the popular, well thought out and smooth transition of Brexit, judges at this years Eurovision Song Contest have taken the unusual step of awarding their scores for one of the competing nation’s songs prior to the performance taking place.

Eurovision Director Simone Williams revealed, “It is nul pointe from everyone I’m afraid.

“The reason is quite simple really, and that reason is that we fucking hate you.

“Unfortunately for the performer, it has nothing to do with the song, or indeed the performance itself, although we do expect it to be shit, just like your stupid fucking nation full of fucking idiots.

“Obviously Brexit has a little something to do with it, we have to hold our hands up on that one, otherwise you may have got the odd point here or there from Malta or Luxemburg or something.

“But let’s face it, you are getting absolutely fuck all now so there’s no point wasting time with it, or even hanging around. You may as well just do your stupid song, and fuck off home.

“And take Amanda Holden with you.”

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