Friday 21 May 2021 by Arabin Patson

Drunken sailor admits this whole ‘port’ and ‘starboard’ thing is total bollocks


drunken sailor nautical terms

In a world-first, a grizzled seafarer has taken in so much grog he told shocked onlookers that most nautical terms are easily replaced by everyday words and only serve to lord it over any poor sod who feigns a polite interest in the cliquey money-pit they call a hobby.

Standing on the deck of Wavedancer, a 40-foot ketch that allowed him to circumnavigate the globe and was frequently cited in his divorce proceedings, sun-bleached yachtsman Simon Williams said he regretted his drunken outburst but was relieved the charade was over.

He went on, “Honestly, it was absolutely exhausting. Imagine having to learn new words for common items for no other purpose than being a twat to your wife when she calls a ‘rope’ a rope instead of a sheet. It eventually loses its charm. So does telling some wretched seasick passenger that you’ll only show them the toilet if they call it a head.

“What’s more, it can be sodding dangerous. Using fore and aft instead of front and back is good fun in a sea shanty, or when drinking daiquiris at anchor, but it’s not helpful when you’re yelling instructions at a terrified newbie in a storm.”

However, Captain William’s confession was not well received at the Anchor pub in Brighton Marina where pipe-smoking regulars insisted a flurry of confusing terms was not just a part of a rich tradition but still essential to properly operate a boat.

They then returned to endlessly mocking a bored Polish waitress for an instance three months ago where she claimed a reef was a ridge of rock or coral submerged near the surface.

Which it fucking is.

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