Thursday 20 May 2021 by Chris Ballard

New train regulator replaced by new bus regulator


Rail regulator replacement service

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the new state-owned rail regulator will now be a replacement bus regulator.

In the biggest public sector shakeup since Boris forced his Cabinet to play soggy biscuit, a new body has been created to ensure more punctual train services and cheaper fares.

“I’m delighted to announce the launch of Great British Railways,” said Transport Secretary Grant Shapps.

“This body was created to ensure that severe delays and exorbitant fares could be clearly blamed on someone that isn’t me.

“As Transport Secretary, the very last thing I need is to be linked to the irreversible atrophy of the British public transport system – that would be terrible for my career.

“Unfortunately, due to events completely out of our control – probably inclement weather or something – this new regulatory body has now been cancelled.

“We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. Don’t worry though, your public transport needs will be met via a replacement service: Great British Buses.

“All buses will become big red affairs adorned with outrageous yet reassuring lies designed to tell potential Tory voters exactly what they want to hear.

“Speaking in funny accents and wearing weird foreign clothes will be prohibited on these services – after all, these are Great BRITISH Buses.

“Obviously a huge increase in bus fares will be required to pay for all this but I’m sure you understand.

“Oh, scrap all that – I’ve just been told that the Great British Buses service has unfortunately been cancelled.

“A new replacement service is to be implemented by the Prime Minister personally – the entire UK public transport infrastructure will now consist of tiny buses made out of wooden crates.”

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