Thursday 20 May 2021 by Neil Tollfree

New state-run body to be responsible for making up excuses as to why trains are late


Commuters waiting for the train

A new state-run body, Great British Railways, is to be created by the Government in order to provide sets of excuses for why trains are late.

“I think that we have to accept that the model of different companies across the country all making up different excuses for why trains are late has led to confusion, and sometimes disbelief,” explained Grant Shapps, Minister for Transport.

“This new body can look out the window, see that it’s raining and then issue a country-wide excuse that trains may be delayed because it’s a bit damp out.

“This makes much more sense that having South-Eastern railways issue an excuse that trains are delayed because there’s a puddle in Romford, while East Midlands have claimed that trains are being delayed due to an angry wizard and Southern Rail trains are delayed because they just can’t really be arsed to drive them anywhere on time.

“It also means that if someone is attempting to travel across the country by train due to some sort of masochistic element to their nature, then they will know that their journey may be delayed because there’s a wasp on the line outside Chichester – even if they’re in Oxford.”

Whilst the move has been broadly supported, some passenger groups have asked if it wouldn’t make more sense to take positive practical steps to improve the train service rather than just bring a new layer of bureaucracy into being.

“Good Lord no,” laughed Shapps.

“Positive practical steps? We’re the Tory party, we don’t do that sort of thing.”

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