“Grand Theft Auto: Kettering” to bring gritty sense of boredom to the series

author avatar by 3 years ago

The latest instalment of Grand Theft Auto is to be set in the Northamptonshire town of Kettering.

Rockstar Games made the shock announcement to the gaming press this morning, following speculation as to whether GTA6 would be set in Las Vegas, Tokyo or even going back to the Scarface-inspired setting of Vice City.

Rockstar games commissioner, Jay Cooper, said, “We wanted to do something different this time around.

“Kettering is the last place you’d expect to see Grand Theft Auto, and that’s exactly why we picked it.”

“I had to google Kettering to remind myself that it was a real place,” admitted video game journalist, Simon Williams.

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“Turns out it’s a perfectly average town in the middle of England, which is famous for producing Weetabix and also a comedian called James Acaster.

“I’ve checked the news, and literally nothing of note has ever happened there except for a brief stint in 2005 when Paul Gascoigne was manager of their football club for about ten minutes.

“Is Paul Gascoigne going to be in the game? Is there going to be a mission where we blow up the Weetabix factory? Who knows. Kettering seems a really weird choice for the glamourous depiction of organised crime that the series is known for.”

Kettering resident, Hayley Rice, said, “I’m sure we DO have prostitutes, I could probably even give you a few names… but they don’t hang around the street in the vast numbers you’d see in those games.

“As for organised crime… well, someone had a bash at doing over the post office a few months ago, but that’s about it.

“Good luck with those car chases though, the one-way system through town has put paid to any notion of getting above 19mph.”