Wednesday 19 May 2021 by Chris Ballard

We are going to f*ck your feet right up, whisper new shoes


new shoes

A pair of new shows have made it clear that they’re going to rub their owner’s feet into a bloody pulp.

Shoe shops have finally reopened and Simon Williams treated himself to a new pair of sneakers.

“They seemed really nice in the shop,” said Simon. “A very happy and friendly pair of trainers.”

Things changed dramatically the next day when Simon took them for their first proper walk.

“Nice pair of feet you’ve got ‘ere,” said the left shoe.

“Yeah, would be a shame if anything ‘appened to ‘em,” said the right shoe.

Simon laughed. “I suppose I was a little bemused at the fact that my shoes seemed to be threatening me,” he said, “but they still seemed comfy enough. I pressed on towards Sainsbury’s.”

However, within ten minutes Simon started to feel an unpleasant rubbing on both his heels.

“Enjoying your walk, sunshine? Plenty more where that came from,” said the left shoe.

“Yeah, we’re going to rub your heels right through to the bone,” said the right shoe. “Fuck you right up!”

“Why?” shouted Simon. “Why are you doing this?!”

“Because we can,” said the left shoe.

“Because… we’re not very nice,” said the right shoe.

“What do you want?” asked Simon. “You can have anything!”

“We just want you… to BLEED!” chorused both shoes.

Simon was forced to stagger home in his heinous new sneakers, his feet feeling like a thousand daggers were slicing away at his heels and – yes – now his toe knuckles.

He dived through his front door and ripped the bastards off.

“See you tomorrow, you slag!” said the left shoe.

“I don’t think so,” said Simon.

But then he thought.

No, he would continue to wear them. Every day. He’d break them in before they broke him.

After all, they deserved a taste of his secret weapon – his fungal toenail infection!

Suck on that you fuckers!

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