Local man’s promise to start flossing carries all the sincerity of a Boris Johnson wedding vow

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A local man has solemnly vowed to start flossing between his teeth, a promise which he intends to keep right up until he strolls out of the dental practice and gets in his car.

Simon Williams, a 34-year-old from Little Arseworth in Berkshire, went for his annual checkup with the dentist yesterday, where he was reprimanded for not flossing between his teeth.

“It was all going well until she got out this sharp metal hook thing and prodded about on my gum until it started bleeding,” he told us, sipping a black coffee and taking a drag on a cigarette.

“She said my teeth were stained, and that my gums were bleeding because I don’t floss. Nothing to do with her jabbing at me with the sharp instrument, apparently.

“So I told her, ‘Oh I’m sorry, I’ll start flossing twice a day’ but I think we both know deep down that at best I’ll give my teeth a thirty-second brush twice a day, if I even remember that.

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Laughing, dentist Eleanor Gay told us, “No-one really ever needs to floss, we just tell customers that so they buy a box from reception, and we make a nice profit from those.

“We can see from studying skeletons that are thousands of years and still have all the molars that teeth are actually one of the last things to rot away to dust; they’re the toughest part of the body.

“Just don’t tell anyone I told you that – this racket has been going on for centuries.”