Monday 17 May 2021 by Frances Ward

Nation satisfied Priti Patel did not help a friend secure PPE contract because no one believes she has friends

Priti Patel has no friends

Home Secretary, Priti Patel, was believed to have lobbied a minister on behalf of a healthcare firm trying to get a government contract, until it was quickly uncovered that it was allegedly for “a friend”.

Reporter, Simone Williams, said, “Cronyism accusations continue to plague this government, but even I’m the first to admit that the suggestion Priti Patel has friends is just crazy conspiracy talk.

“It all appeared to follow the same predictable pattern right up until the ‘mate’ stuff. I mean, it’s barely plausible for Matt Hancock.

“But Priti meeting up with her gal pals? Nope. Not a chance in Hell that’s a true story.”

A Home Office spokesperson, Janet Smith responded, “Actually, the Home Secretary has many friends.

“For example, her friends from the hand-to-hand combat class she attends. Or ‘adversaries’ as she affectionately refers to them.

“The Home Secretary also has many friends at work. We are often in my office having a chinwag.

“Take yesterday. She was in my office for over an hour. I mean, I didn’t know she was there but that was only because she was behind the bookcase.

“When she eventually de-shelled a hard-boiled egg before eating it whole, I definitely knew she was there.

“What’s that? If we’re friends why do I call her Home Secretary instead of Priti? Well, that’s just me,” faked laughed Jane.

“I mean, I call my dad, ‘male parent’.

“So, in short, the Home Secretary didn’t try and influence a minister in respect of a PPE contract for a friend. Of which she has definitely loads.”

“It was for someone she didn’t really know. Wait. No.

“Oh god, my really good friend, the Home Secretary is going to totally understand my balls up,” said Jane, visibly shaking.

I survived working for Priti Patel – get the T-shirt here!

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