Monday 17 May 2021 by Mark Molloy

Cinemas finally reopen, even though there is absolutely f*ck all good to watch

Cinema rubbish films

Cinemas have finally reopened their doors in the UK, with absolutely nothing to watch when you get there.

With indoor hospitality finally returning across the UK, thousands of film lovers will be rushing for a cheeky Nando’s and heading back to the big screen to finally experience that wonderful cinematic experience, watching Tom and fucking Jerry, or some other utter shite.

Self-confessed movie addict Simon Williams revealed, “There’s absolutely fuck all on. Seriously, they all look shit.

“Finally, we can get ourselves back into the cinema, settle down with some popcorn and relax to watch a shit cartoon.

“I couldn’t wait for cinemas to reopen, as I love to watch all the new releases on the big screen. There’s no other way to experience them the way they were intended, apart from watching them in the cinema.

“But then I went to book something, for me and my girlfriend to watch, and every film available just looked utterly crap.

“Peter Rabbit 2? Fuck me. And Tom and bastard Jerry – is this some sort of joke? And My New York Year? What the fuck is that? It looks pissing awful.

“Where are all the new blockbusters with all the famous actors?

“I mean that Godzilla vs Kong one might have some decent special effects, and could look OK on the big screen, but when you get down to it, and actually watch the film, and work out what the story is, we all know it will essentially just be… shit.

“I think I’ll just stay at home until Tom Cruise sorts his act out and Hanks gets off his arse and makes us something worth watching.

“It beats paying £16.95 to watch Maya the frigging Bee.”

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