Wednesday 12 May 2021 by Chris Ballard

Xenomorphs delighted as facehugging to resume


Facehugger xenomorph

Alien parasitoids everywhere are incredibly excited about the prospect of being intimate with faces again.

On the 17th May hugging will return to England. Bad news for Mark Francois’ family, good news for xenomorphs.

“Oh, I can’t wait!” said facehugger Simon Williams. “My ovipositor is tingling just at the thought!

“Before Covid hit it wasn’t uncommon for me to hug three or four faces a day. In fact, I was so prolific at impregnation that the other lads in the nest nicknamed me ‘Boris’.

“But then I had to isolate in my egg for the best part of a year without so much as a cheek to stroke or a nostril to penetrate.

“I’m so desperate for contact that next Monday morning I’m going to just leap onto the face of the nearest stranger and implant an embryo in their chest even before I’ve had my morning coffee. Just you try and stop me!

“No seriously, try it – I’ll choke the host or tear their face off!”

While the Government is keen for the population to reconnect with physical intimacy, experts have urged some caution.

“Please facehug responsibly,” Chris Whitty told the BBC’s Today programme.

“Consider limiting laying your eggs into only very small numbers of close family who you’d already like to kill.

“Think about whether the person has been vaccinated. If so then yes, you’re probably fine to enjoy cutting their life short through the violent and traumatic implantation of endoparasitoid larvae.”

However, Simon says he’ll be throwing caution to the wind.

“Sorry, but I’ve been starved of hugs for too long,” he said.

“At this stage, I’d even happily grip Michael Gove’s weird little face.

“And if you’d like to point out that us facehuggers die shortly after successfully impregnating a host then by all means fill your boots in the comments section you pedantic pricks.”

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