Wednesday 12 May 2021 by Arabin Patson

Poker-faced Queen solemnly reads list of plans that Boris Johnson has no intention of seeing through


Queen's speech

The Queen’s Speech ceremony was markedly different to previous years, as not only did Her Majesty did not wear full regalia but also as the proposals were hastily concocted ambitions that the PM will probably give up on by lunchtime.

The Private Secretary to the Sovereign, Simon Despenser-Williams, told journalists that even though the Queen might as well have read her butler’s shopping list, the monarchy was willing to adapt to Boris Johnson’s style of governance through vague optimistic bullshit.

“Her Majesty has seen many Prime Ministers during her reign and has shown that she knows to strike the perfect balance between tradition and modernity.

“If required to wear morning dress instead of her crown, that is what she will do. And if she has to play a ridiculous charade where everyone pretends Boris Johnson’s promises are worth more than the spit used for his court-mandated paternity tests, then she will keep a straight face and plough through it.”

Mr Despenser-Williams explained that Buckingham Palace knew for a while that this speech would be different.

“Look, I know we live in a world where being a Master of the Horse is a thing and the Queen is so detached from reality she doesn’t even own a passport, but we’re not complete fuckwits.

“We knew it was utter tripe as soon as we heard him talk of ‘levelling up’. Not once in his entire life has Boris Johnson lifted a fat finger for someone else’s benefit.

“The idea that he might put in some effort to help an unemployed fisherman in Hartlepool, when he can’t even refrain from shagging some groupie long enough for his wife to finish her chemo, is utterly laughable.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – see who made the cut HERE!

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