Tuesday 11 May 2021 by Davywavy

Now you get why I dumped him, by Billie Piper


Billie Piper and Laurence Fox

For the eight years I was married to Lawrence Fox I thought I had irritable bowel syndrome because there was a constantly whining arsehole in the house. And then I realised it wasn’t mine.

I distinctly remember the morning I realised. I was getting the kids their Coco Pops and wishing my guts would stop making that awful,  high-pitched blarting sound when I realised my husband’s mouth was moving in sync with the noise.

I stopped short and handed him a cup of tea. As he drank, the flatulence immediately ceased only to begin again the moment he removed the mug from his lips. Drinking – silence, not drinking – paaaaaaarp.

And then the penny dropped – I’d visited doctors and specialists on three continents to try and fix my ringpiece and then it turned out what I really needed to sort out the ringpiece in my life was a divorce lawyer.

And now you’re all seeing what I had to cope with for the better part of a decade. The incessant guffy flobbering which only about 1% of weirdos actually enjoy – and he keeps a straight face whilst he’s doing it so someone else will get the blame as he stinks the room out from one end or the other.

Once you realise that it’s not you, you just have to get rid. I did, and I think now you get why.

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