Now you get why I dumped him, by Billie Piper

author avatar by 3 years ago

For the eight years I was married to Lawrence Fox I thought I had irritable bowel syndrome because there was a constantly whining arsehole in the house. And then I realised it wasn’t mine.

I distinctly remember the morning I realised. I was getting the kids their Coco Pops and wishing my guts would stop making that awful,  high-pitched blarting sound when I realised my husband’s mouth was moving in sync with the noise.

I stopped short and handed him a cup of tea. As he drank, the flatulence immediately ceased only to begin again the moment he removed the mug from his lips. Drinking – silence, not drinking – paaaaaaarp.

And then the penny dropped – I’d visited doctors and specialists on three continents to try and fix my ringpiece and then it turned out what I really needed to sort out the ringpiece in my life was a divorce lawyer.

And now you’re all seeing what I had to cope with for the better part of a decade. The incessant guffy flobbering which only about 1% of weirdos actually enjoy – and he keeps a straight face whilst he’s doing it so someone else will get the blame as he stinks the room out from one end or the other.

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Once you realise that it’s not you, you just have to get rid. I did, and I think now you get why.