Monday 10 May 2021 by Arabin Patson

Prime Minister’s Mustique trip may have broken the rules, says watchdog that will do absolutely fuck all about it


parliamentary standards investigation

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards has wearily opened yet another inquiry into Boris Johnson’s blatantly corrupt habits, even though they know full well it won’t amount to shit as English voters seem quite content to be ruled by an Etonian version of Robert Mugabe.

Simone Williams OBE, the depressed jurist that is forced to compile reams of paperwork into the obvious corruption of the Prime Minister, told the press that, yes, she would thoroughly investigate his £15,000 Mustique holiday and, no, it won’t matter in the slightest.

She sighed and explained. “Here we go again. The prime minister breaks the rules for the umpteenth time. You know he’s broken them. The press knows it. Christ, a child raised from infancy by a wolf pack knows it’s fucking shifty for a minister to accept a £15K luxury junket.

“But is anything going to happen? Fuck no. Because these rules are not ‘laws’ and take a wild fucking guess who gets to decide if a breach should be sanctioned.

“So now I have to spend the next four months trying to get copies of receipts from the Grenadines and then get stonewalled by officials each time I ask a question.

“And even if I find a sodding video of Boris telling that Carphone Warehouse bloke that he’ll kill off HMRC investigations in exchange for a week on a charter catamaran, do you know what will happen? At best, some human question mark like Grant Schapps will go on Andrew Marr and say that the prime minister accepts he should have done things differently but now considered the matter closed.

“Frankly, we’re lucky Boris doesn’t call himself Supreme Generallissimo and tells all the villages to send him their fairest maidens.”

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