New episode of CSI: Hartlepool to investigate corpse of Labour party washed ashore at the Heugh

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Keir Starmer has put on his full-body PPE and has set about forensically investigating the remains of the Labour party this morning.

The corpse, which early responders said bore a striking resemblance to the Labour party, washed ashore in the early hours of this morning, though early indications are that it might have been dead for several weeks.

Lead CSI Starmer said they would examine all the available evidence to get to the bottom of any potential wrongdoing that might have occurred.

He told reporters at the scene, “We must be careful not to jump to conclusions and to forensically examine everything, something for which I am very well suited, as you have probably heard.

“We must ask ourselves how did it get here? Where was it before this? Has anything happened in the last few weeks or months that could provide an explanation for it lying here entirely deceased?

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“We will not be rushed in this task as it’s vitally important we get it right, and that we only place blame where it is truly deserved. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

Starmer then reapplied his facemask and left the reporters to go and examine the corpse, before returning fifteen seconds later.

“Yeah, so I’ve looked at all of the available evidence, and I’ve decided that Jeremy Corbyn did it.”