Friday 7 May 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Hartlepool looks at past year of Conservative government and declares “OOH YES PLEASE”


Man with thumbs up for Hartlepool Tories

The Conservatives have won the Hartlepool by-election, because of course they have.

Hartlepool, famous for having a railway station, took one look at the Conservative government’s recent history and decided the highest covid death toll in Europe, the dodgy PPE contracts and the overall air of sleaze and corruption were all right up their alley.

“Love me some Conservatives,” said Hartlepool resident, Simon Williams, who got kicked in the head by a horse shortly before entering the polling station.

“They’ve got my interests at heart, far more than the Green Party, for example. Saving the planet? Who’s that gonna help? Don’t be daft.

“I look forward to the Fat Tony vibe of mutual back-scratching and snouts in the trough that they’ll bring to Hartlepool. It’s about time, it really is. It’s been far too nice around here for far too long.”

A Conservative spokesperson said, “We are delighted to represent the people of Hartlepool, wherever that is.

“Rest assured we will work long and hard to ensure the people of this fine town and/or city wonder why they voted for us in the first place, despite the fact the evidence as to why they shouldn’t was right in front of their stupid faces the entire time.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the best-sellers here!

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