Friday 7 May 2021 by Chris Ballard

Gunboats a good start but can we have an exciting Normandy-style beach landing? ask Brexiters


Jerset invasion demanded by Brexiters

Royal Navy gunboat patrols in the English channel have been tantalisingly World War Two-esque but Brexiters now want the Government to go further.

Brexit supporters will be happy to admit that the thought of British guns being pointed at the French gives them wood. But the more such threats of violence can evoke the Second World War, the more exhilarating they will be.

“Don’t get me wrong, a gunboat or two is great but I can’t imagine they’ll be enough to put those frog fisherman back in their box,” said Brexiter Simon Williams.

“What we really want is an entire fleet of amphibious landing craft hitting French beaches while soldiers shout exciting things like, ‘Clear those murder holes!’

“Of all the great British historical battles I’ve fantasised about participating in, the storming of the Normandy beaches is the one I’m most proud of. Honestly, the number of Germans I’ve imagined killing that day…

“In my head, I made the ultimate sacrifice so future generations can sit on a train from Tunbridge Wells to London without having to hear funny foreign accents.

“So come on Boris – let’s take back control of our waters via the medium of nostalgic coastal assault.

“I’ve seen Saving Private Ryan – it took twenty minutes to secure Omaha in the face of fierce German resistance. I reckon we could lick those Frenchies in ten.

“Not actually lick, obviously, that would be absolutely disgusting.”

Simon picked up a box of tissues.

“Let’s… fight them on the beaches!” he shouted.

Evidently stimulated by that iconic phrase, he immediately dived into the nearest toilet to do what he does best.

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