Corbynites lambast Keir Starmer for delivering “wrong kind of defeat”

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Senior figures within Momentum have claimed vindication after the loss of the Hartlepool by-election, and see it as proof that a centrist leader like Keir Starmer was unable to deliver the kind of galvanising electoral drubbings that Jeremy Corbyn was famous for.

Simon Williams, a staunch Corbynite activist and former opposition strategist, explained that Keir Starmer had to go if Labour wanted to relive the giddy days of making insignificant gains while losing to the political wallpaper paste that was Theresa May.

He told us, “I warned everyone this would happen! Keir is a Blairite clone and he will never be able to get creamed by a visibly depressed woman so devoid of energy most people think the only time she smiled in number 10 is when she found out Boris was taking over.

“It was obvious to us that sending him to the heartlands with a message of ending Tory sleaze, rewarding NHS nurses and renewing international alliances was doomed to failure.

“What we should have done is swamped the town with a bunch of ageing trots that sound like Rick from The Young Ones on temazepam.

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“Then we would have been soundly rejected but at least we would have done it by spending hours trying to engage retired gas fitters on how to increase inclusivity among the Hegelian redistribution discussion panel we’re hosting at an alter-globalisation Zoom jamboree.”

The newly-elected MP for Hartlepool, Jill Mortimer, said she intended to dedicate herself fully to her new constituency and even intends to put up a picture of HMS Trincomalee on the wall of her Grand Cayman home.

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