Monday 3 May 2021 by Davywavy

Bloody hell look at the house you get in witness protection, says Britain


Witness protection house on line of duty

Millions of Britons are seriously considering a life in organised crime after seeing the house you get when they catch you.

The house, which appears to be up on the moors somewhere, is in great condition and has an avenue of photogenic chestnut trees for frolicking through with the saucy girlfriend you get right outside.

“I’ve been honest all my life and gone to work every day and all I’ve got is a 1960s terraced place with a hundred grand still on the mortgage,” said council roadworks manager Simon Williams.

“If I’d known I could have had a great big stone farmhouse up on the moors with a hot redhead and a lovely bouncy golden retriever I’d have arranged the murder of several police officers years ago.

“Yeah, so I’d have to go through years of psychological torment and sell crack to schoolkids in order to build a network of criminal co-conspirators to sell out later, but I already work for Kettering council so it’s not that big of a career change,” he added.

A spokesman for the police said there are a limited number of lovely moorland farmhouses with attractive women living in them and it’s first come, first served, so you’d better start the life of crime pronto to get your name on the waiting list.

I was arrested by AC-12 and all I got was a new identity and a lovely house in the countryside – see the T-shirt HERE!

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