Friday 30 April 2021 by Mark Molloy

The NewsThump guide to staying sober enough this bank holiday weekend to understand the Line of Duty finale


Man watching Line of Duty on TV

This weekend sees the much anticipated season finale of popular crime drama Line of Duty, which is expected to draw in record viewers hoping to finally unravel the mystery of who the elusive ‘H’ is.

It’s also Bank Holiday weekend, where people like to get really really pissed, especially on a Sunday, knowing they don’t have to work the next day.

We at NewsThump have therefore compiled an easy to follow, comprehensive list of rules to ensure that our lovely readers can enjoy the episode properly, without being too pissed to get it, or falling asleep early before having some twat spoil it completely on Facebook or WhatsApp by saying something like ‘I can’t believe it was Steve Arnott all along!’

DO – Drink heavily on Friday and Saturday – that way you won’t feel like you’re missing out Sunday by not having a drink.
DO – Go for a very long walk on Sunday afternoon, for about 6 hours to keep you from going to the pub.
DO – Get your partner on board. If one of you shows weakness it’s game over.
DO – Buy the Sunday Times, and try to read IT ALL by 9pm on Sunday. This should kill about ten hours.

DON’T – Invite people round for Sunday dinner in the garden. You will end up drinking from 3pm.
DON’T – Watch the football, under any circumstances. Particularly if your team is involved.
DON’T – Go for ‘a little walk’ which has a nice pub with a beer garden near the end.
DON’T – say ‘I’m off work tomorrow’ at any point during Sunday.
DON’T – Put any beers or wine in the fridge ‘just in case I fancy one later’.

By following these simple rules we are confident that can enjoy the season finale in full, and understand what the actual fuck is going on.

Failing that – get shitfaced all weekend, ignore your phone and watch it Monday morning before speaking to a soul.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: