Friday 30 April 2021 by Chris Ballard

Larry the cat already scratched the shit out of expensive new Downing Street Wallpaper


Larry the Cat Downing Street wallpaper

Downing Street’s resident feline has ruined two hundred grand’s worth of wallpaper following the recent refurbishment of the prime minister’s flat.

“I don’t really give a shit who paid for it, but it’s given me an inordinate amount of pleasure,” said Larry.

“It’s that textured, quilted stuff – if for some reason you were in any doubt that Carrie Symonds has appalling taste then this would definitely convince you. Aesthetically, it’s absolutely ghastly.

“But Jesus, it feels so good when I puncture it with my claws! And I can climb all the way to the ceiling ‘cos it’s thicker than Chris Grayling.

“Haha, I created a right old mess – the poor young Downing Street maid has spent the last week bending over cleaning up little chunks of paper. Boris didn’t seem to mind though.

“I don’t think I’ve had this much fun since I used to stand in front of Theresa May’s bathroom mirror showing her my anus and seeing how long it would take her to realise it wasn’t her reflection.”

Neighbour Rishi Sunak heard a lot of clawing coming from the PM’s apartment but he didn’t suspect it was Larry.

“Quite a lot of clawing goes on in that flat,” explained the Chancellor. “So I didn’t really pay much attention.

“It’s normally Carrie clawing Boris’ eyes out because he’s shagged something he shouldn’t have.

“And they’re both pretty adept at clawing their way to the top by unscrupulous methods.

“It’s generally quite a clawing household.

“Still, if Larry wants to pop downstairs and help me claw back the economy from the brink of disaster then he’d be very welcome.”

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