Tuesday 27 April 2021

Tories polling at over 95% in key ‘too posh for John Lewis’ demographic


Rich old Tories

The latest polling shows that the Tory party has an insurmountable lead amongst the sort of people who think that shopping in John Lewis is basically like living on benefits.

With more regular polling taking place ahead of next month’s local elections, the Tory party has been given a huge boost after discovering that pretty much everyone who considers John Lewis furniture a ‘nightmare’ is going to vote for them in May.

CCHQ strategist Simon William told us, “There are people out there who told us it was absolutely impossible to appeal to the man on the street, while also appealing to the man who owns the street, but I think we’ve proven that’s not true.

“The fact that so many working-class people seem to think we have their best interests at heart, while simultaneously locking up the obscenely wealthy demographic, is probably my proudest moment so far in my political career.

“Sure, in some quarters slagging off items that represent aspirational furniture to 80% of the country might be seen as politically unwise, but all Boris needs to do is ruffle his hair, say something in Latin and try to bonk a journalist and we’re golden.

“If I’m being honest, I don’t understand it either.  We should be miles behind. I guess people really are stupid.”

Meanwhile, Hartlepool voters will be turning out in their thousands to support the man who would have been comfortable seeing many of their dead bodies piled up on the streets.

68-year-old voter Derek Matthews told us, “Yeah, he might have been happy to see me dead, but look at his cheeky face and scruffy hair.  How can you not love him?”

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