Social media trolls bravely defy Premier League boycott to remain unlikeable cretinous arseholes

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Trolls across social media are today bravely going about their business of making the world a slightly worse place, despite the Premier League’s planned boycott of social media channels.

As players and clubs from the Premier League, English Football League and Women’s Super League plan to walk away from social media for four days from the 30th April to protest against the level of abuse on received by players, trolls everywhere have seemingly shrugged their shoulders and got on with the busy process of ruining it for everyone.

Troll Simon Williams, who asked to remain anonymous, told us, “I get a thrill when I abuse people on social media, even more so if they’re successful sports people living a life I can only dream of.  It’s the closest thing I’ve found to sex.

“Well, I assume it’s the closest thing, I guess I’ll know when I eventually have it off with someone.

“I don’t know what they think four days away from social media will do? I mean, yes, I won’t have anything new on which to leave vile comments, ethnic slurs or racist rants, but it’s not like there isn’t plenty of other places for me to do that.

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“There are actors, politicians, and celebrities all posting on social media, so there are loads of other targets that will do just as well for the purposes of me trying to sustain an erection.

“And then, when they’re all back next week I can go back to abusing footballers – because we all know that this won’t make a jot of difference to how easy it is for me to do it, or how consequence-free it will remain.”