Monday 26 April 2021 by Arabin Patson

Festival season begins early with newcomer ‘Plague In The Park’


Park protests

In another sign that Britain is coming out of lockdown, the festivals that are a marker for the British summer began in earnest as thousands gathered in London to celebrate being obnoxious disease spreaders who think their social habits matter more than human life.

Amid a crowd of predominantly middle-class cretins who think that owning rental property puts them on equal intellectual footing with top epidemiologists, unknown fuckwits mixed with more famous wankstains.

Actor and activist Larry Weasel, famous for his role as an entitled posho who got telly parts due to his family connections then trashed his career by being a racist bellend, was keen to speak to the press about the obnoxious contrarian cliches he thinks are opinions.

He prattled on, “What we see here is just as important as Ghandi’s bus boycott or the Magna Carta War. We are showing the same spirit of defiance of great Englishmen like Braveheart.”

Mr Weasel denied that the anti-lockdown movement only attracted attention-seeking wealthy idiots and was less socially or ethnically diverse than a Cape town yacht club in 1981.

“Nonsense. This is a big tent and we welcome all sorts. We have crystal healers talking with paranoiacs who think politicians are sentient lizards. Yummy mummies who won’t stop talking about the time they went to an ashram in Goa and racist loons who think a halal option in Greggs is part of a secret plan to create an Islamic republic in Bermondsey.

“See that woman wearing a yellow star because she thinks having to put on a mask in Morrisons is the same as being targeted for extermination? Well, coincidentally, the man she is chatting to sincerely believes that Jews control the world’s media.

“That’s diversity!”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: