Friday 23 April 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Daily Express wanks itself dry as Princess Diana’s grandson celebrates birthday on Saint George’s Day


Princess Diana

The Daily Express has spuffed all over the place.

Following reports of a new photos of Prince Louis celebrating his birthday shared by the Duchess of Cambridge on St George’s Day, the collective body of the “newspaper” all came at once.

“Yes, we’re currently knee-deep in semen,” confirmed sports editor, Simon Williams.

“We were bound to be, really: The grandson of the late Princess Diana having a birthday on St. George’s Day… it hits several of our erogenous zones.

“I feel a bit bad for the cleaning staff; they already have to put up with us being racist to their faces but now they’ll have to chisel our dried spunk from the walls. Oh well.

“It’s great for us, though. We won’t have to use the headline “HOLY FUCK IT’S GOING TO SNOW” for at least three weeks now. We’re on easy street. Just lots of royal bollocks.

“Tomorrow we’re going to do a double-page spread speculating on how Diana might have celebrated with Louis. Stay tuned.”

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