Boris Johnson tells COP26 to ‘get serious’ by getting his pole dancing mistress to drive a forklift through a wall of kippers.

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World leaders planning to attend the climate conference in Glasgow were delighted to be lectured on taking things seriously by Boris Johnson, a man famous for his sombre dignity and his inexhaustible laser focus on complex subjects.

Simone Guillaumes, the French Minister for Climate Change, said that the intervention by Boris Johnson, urging countries to stop treating global warming as a side issue, was warmly welcomed by people familiar with British politics.

“If ever there was a man to tell us to stop dicking around and start telling us to get to work it’s your prime minister. We really love getting summoned by someone famous for getting stuck on a zipline and always looks like a pantomime actor who forgot his lines.

“And the fact that he is keeping subsidies for oil extractions, encouraging flying and opening sodding coal mines tells us how well he has come to grips with the harsh choices we need to make in order to save the planet.

“After all, we all know your PM is a byword for restrain and self-discipline.”

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Minister Guillaumes also expressed confidence in the UK’s strategy of avoiding deep structural reforms in favour of absurd megalomaniac projects that were obviously concocted by Boris Johnson four hours ago while he was taking a shit.

“After all, who needs long term election-proof macroeconomic plans when we can rely on the passing brainfart of someone who answers basic questions with bizarre rants about painting buses while sounding like a Latin teacher who ate a hash cake by accident?”