Tories launch urgent investigation after lucrative NHS contract accidentally awarded to firm with no connections to them whatsoever

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The government is today launching an urgent inquiry after it was discovered that a lucrative NHS supply contract was awarded to a firm that personally benefitted not a single member of the party, nor any of their friends.

After it was revealed that a £500,000 contract to shred personal documents was given to Williams & Son Document Specialists Limited from Basingstoke, senior Tories have been quick to ask questions about the procurement process.

As one Cabinet insider told us, “The Health Secretary asked around the table and no-one had ever heard of them. They hadn’t donated to anyone’s election campaign. No one had been to school with them. No one played golf with them at the club. No one was shagging anyone in their leadership team.

“We started to panic when a call was made to the local MP and he confirmed he’d also never heard of them.  When we found out that this firm wasn’t even known to the local grassroots Tory organisation we knew there had been a catastrophic mistake somewhere.

“Frankly it’s embarrassing. If there’s one thing the voting public can rely on, it’s that the Tories will maximise every opportunity for self-enrichment when handing out government contracts.

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“This whole thing makes us look like rank amateurs!”

Director at the firm in question, Simon Williams Snr told us, “I’ve never voted Tory – not even in those local elections that don’t really count.

“I believe we won the contract because we were the best-placed company to deliver the service required. We’re local, we know what we’re doing with decades of experience, and we bid a very competitive price.

“Yes, winning it surprised us too.”