Friday 16 April 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Saffron Walden Town Council commits to continued use of Trident Nuclear deterrent


Saffron Walden

The Saffron Walden Town Council has committed to the continued use of its Trident Nuclear deterrent for its town defence system.

The council voted 8-3 to commit $4billion of town funds over the next three years to Trident, with only Mrs Ainsworth abstaining as she had some crumbs from the lemon drizzle cake caught under her false teeth.

“Saffron Walden is rightly proud of its Trident Nuclear Missile system, and I’m glad that we’ve voted to keep hold of it,” explained Council Chairperson Jeremy Bottomdrawer.

“Whilst we recognise that $4billion is a large portion of the council budget for the next three years, I’m sure that the people of our great town will sleep soundly in their beds knowing that they’re protected from nuclear attack from the likes of Bury St Edmonds or Stevenage.”

The Saffron Walden Trident system consists of four Vanguard-class submarines armed with eight Trident II D-5 ballistic missiles, one of which is constantly patrolling the River Slade. There is also a continually manned silo underneath the Costcutter on the High Street capable of launching counter-measures within 30 seconds of a detected threat.

There were mixed feelings amongst locals about the continued use of Trident.

125-year-old Colonel Jeffrey Bilious St. Racist approved.

He told us, “Saffron Walden is a world-class small Essex town and as such, it should have a world-class nuclear defence system. I’m certainly comforted by the magnificent sight of the HMS Victorious cutting through the water down by the cricket pavilion.”

However, young mum, Jackie Phillips was less convinced.

“I was hoping that they’d do up the swings in the park,” she said.

Whilst the council has committed to its continued use of Trident, it did vote against expanding its nuclear capabilities any further as that was thought to be in direct contravention of the 2002 North Essex nuclear proliferation agreement.

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