David Cameron seen flogging access to ministers out of a suitcase down the market

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Ex-Prime Minister David Cameron has come under fire again after he was seen down the market, flogging access to ministers out of a suitcase.

“Yeah, I just went down the market to get some jellied eels and hard drugs,” said authentic working-class character Simon Williams.

“And I thought – ‘strike a light, that’s that David Cameron’ – so I wandered over to see what he was up to and he was flogging access to ministers. Twenty grand for Rishi Sunak, fifteen grand for that Priti Patel, a fiver for Gavin Williamson.

“Couldn’t believe it.”

Mr Williams repeated Mr Cameron’s ‘patter.’

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“Yeah, he was like – ‘You know me, I’m honest Davey Cameron. You want a referendum, I give you a referendum. So, when I say this is all legitimate access to ministers, you can trust me. Now, I ain’t going to tell you how I came by this access to ministers. What don’t speak can’t lie, can it? All you need to know is that if you give me ten grand you can be having yourself a right old knees-up with Matt Hancock. Lovely Jubbly’ – he was proper convincing.”

It is understood that Mr Cameron continued flogging access to ministers for over an hour before his partner ‘Rodney’ Osborne shouted ‘police,’ whereupon Mr Cameron quickly picked up the suitcase and legged it into the crowds.