Monday 12 April 2021 by Davywavy

White Witch curses Britain to ‘always winter and never the end of lockdown’


always winter and never the end of lockdown

As snow falls over Britain today, the White Witch has claimed responsibility for covering the land in endless winter.

Fauns and beavers across the country had been hoping to go out on the lash in warm sunshine today, but their hopes were dashed as the sorceress apparently cursed Britain to one hundred years of winter and never-ending social restrictions.

“I know you’re hoping for a stout, jolly, red-faced man to bring you gifts of happiness today,” said Jadis, Queen of Charn, “But if I’ve got any say in it the landlord of your local won’t be able to get the door open due to snowdrifts, never mind fetch you a drink.

“And with any luck, the only table seeing use won’t be one in a beer garden, but one with a dead lion on it.”

Jadis, who is an expert on sitting at home and doing nothing for seemingly endless aeons, told us that she plans a series of measures including storms, hail, snow, rain and howling winds.

However, most British people were unperturbed by the news –  saying that sounds like a pretty average April and they’re off to the boozer.

“I’ve got my shorts out ready,” said Mister Tumnus, before clarifying that by shorts he didn’t mean Dwarfs.

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