Monday 12 April 2021 by Arabin Patson

Lockdown weary nation jubilant after witnessing first pub glassing in months


Man in pub garden

Emotional Brits have expressed a great sense of relief as they finally get to experience the pre-COVID normality of senseless violence, public urination, tedious banter, vomiting, maiming, hurled insults, joyless sex and pathetic fighting challenges to bouncers.

In Uttoxeter, benefits fraud and pub car park boxer, Simon Williams, was one of many to admit he nearly wept at the knowledge he would soon be finding flimsy excuses to assault random punters in the beer garden of the Fox and Hounds.

“It’s been nearly a year since I disfigured someone for laughing out loud in a way that made me aware of how miserable my life is. So when I heard that I can now go ahead a shove a glass into the face of someone how looks at me funny I’m not too proud to admit I shed a tear.”

The celebration of limited pub function was not limited to maladjusted cretins with a bloodlust.

Many punters said they were just happy to get shitfaced in the early afternoon while eating low-quality food on picnic tables spattered with bird shit. Such as Newcastle student Amanda Tinnock.

“It’s not a full reopening, but even with outside drinking only, I can slam way too many shots of cheap vodka than I can handle, solely because one of the girls in my party yelled something.

“And finally, I can stumble down a high street displaying radical shifts of my emotional state before tumbling over and flashing my crotch at a tabloid photographer who is already thinking of utterly shit puns to shame binge-drinking youngsters.

“Can you believe that by this time tomorrow I’ll have a UTI from being fingered in an alley by some bloke who hasn’t washed his hands during his 8 hours spent boozing?

“It’s like a dream come true.”

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