Saturday 10 April 2021 by Neil Tollfree

British people mourning like absolute f*ck


Nation mourning

A day on from the tragic news about the death of Prince Philip and the British people are all mourning like absolute fuck.

“Me? I’m mourning like a complete bastard,” said Simon Williams, a masked vigilante from Chelmsford, Essex.

“Up late last night, up early this morning, all so I could mourn the absolute shit out of this. I’m dressed in black. I’ve painted the house black. I’ve made the kids black up. Black everywhere, mourning like a motherfucker. I’ve tattooed a picture of Prince Phillip’s face on my own face as a gesture of respect. I am so fucking mourning.”

Mr Williams was not alone, across the country people from all walks of life have been completely fucking mourning all over the place.

“Stayed up through the night to mourn all up in this bitch,” said Eleanor Gay, a murderer from Glossop.

“I’ve created a giant 50-foot-high wicker effigy of Prince Phillip in my front garden and everyone on the street has been walking around it totally fucking mourning. It’s amazing. I’m going to wait till dawn and then put someone in it and burn the fucker to the ground to just show how completely fucking mourning I am.

“FUCKING MOURN YOU FUCKING FUCKS.”

It is thought that the British people will continue to mourn like fuck until the telly goes back to normal, whereupon they will go back to watching Line of Duty and arguing online about the EU.

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