Thursday 8 April 2021 by Arabin Patson

Sinn Fein made my cat kill the hamster, says indignant Arlene Foster

Arlene Foster on Sinn Fein

Defying critics who claim it was her fault for letting the hamster out of the cage at night, the leader of the DUP has excoriated Sinn Fein and Boris Johnson for the recent tragedy that was completely impossible to predict from observation of past events and plain logic.

Speaking from an office with an inordinate amount of sashes on the wall, the Mr Potato cosplayer and First Minister of Northern Ireland told the press that she was utterly horrified to find her son’s hamster eviscerated by the ruthless predator she gave unfettered access to it.

“We lament these horrific events and call for an end to the senseless slaughter that anyone with a cursory knowledge of feline behaviour could foresee and we utterly condemn the criminal elements of Sinn Fein who made this happen.

“We let an overweight rodent alone at night with a cat that routinely kills similar creatures and now we watch on in horror as combining a hunter and its natural prey led to bloodshed. Curse the Fenians!”

Although First Minister Foster mainly blamed the violence in her home on Catholics and homosexuals, she also had the words for Boris Johnson’s government.

She went on, “Perhaps worst of all is the betrayal from London over this.

“Yes, we were tired of having to put the hamster back in its cage when we left the room but we had a nagging doubt it was a necessary compromise. It was Boris Johnson who told us it would all be fine and if the hamster looked worried he would happily have a chat with it.

“Of course we trusted his expertise on the relations between the pets in our own home.

“After all, his girlfriend has a dog.”

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