Tuesday 30 March 2021

Yes, I shag around but you love it really, Boris tells nation

Boris says you don't care

Boris Johnson has come clean with the voting public about his affairs but has reassured them that they actually really like his promiscuous behaviour.

With mounting criticism facing the prime minister that shagging around with blonde Americans who then received six-figure sums from the government might look ‘a little bit dodgy’, he has explained that most people actually relate to what he did.

Boris told reporters, “Look, you got me, OK? I shag around quite a lot. I’ve done to all of my wives, even when they were getting treatment for cancer. The chances are I’ll do it to Carrie at some point, and furthermore, the reality is that you don’t really care.

“No, I don’t know why I do it, I think it’s probably just a ‘like having sex with different people’ thing, but ultimately we can all agree that while it might make a small difference to how you feel about me, or it’ll make bugger all difference to whether you will vote for me.

“Short of actually having sex with your wife, sister or daughter, I’m not sure what I could do to stop you voting for me  – and more importantly, neither do you.”

Voter Simon Williams told us, “Boris is a liar and a cheat, who has no respect for the sanctity of marriage, or the women he’s been in relationships with – and he clearly wastes no opportunity to use his elected positions to find new women to shag – and yet despite all of this, I find that I will still definitely vote for him.

“No, I’ve no idea either.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the Mug, Mask and T-shirt here!

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