Monday 29 March 2021 by Arabin Patson

Suez blockage: UK sends team of experts to help Egypt pretend this is what they wanted all along


Suez Canal blocked

As part of the government’s Global Britain strategy, the UK has offered help to the Egyptian government by sending in the world’s foremost experts at claiming a widely mocked catastrophe is actually a brilliant opportunity that will be praised by future historians.

Standing in front of 17 Union Jacks, the head of the Britannia Unleashed Task Force, Simon Williams MP, said that the dispatch of shameless bald-faced liars to help Egypt polish their blocked turd was the sign of a confident post-Brexit Britain.

“We might not be able to provide technical expertise, because we offshored all our international activities a decade ago, but if we know one thing, it’s how to pass off a colossal fuck-up as geopolitical strategy. It’s in our blood. Our ruling class has been shirking blame for their cretinous decisions for centuries.

“Entire export sector in crisis because we negotiate trade deals solely for the headline? We’ll claim anyone who complains is a short-sighted incompetent and probably a traitor.

“People angry at the astounding level of procurement corruption we initiated? How about a bullshit culture war about flags to make everyone look elsewhere?

“Mark my words, within a week our chaps will have Sisi on a zip line claiming that no other canal can create such a world-beating backlog.”

However, some experts in North African politics have warned that distraction tactics that work in the UK might not apply in Cairo.

Among other things, some highlight a typical reluctance of Arab leaders to look like a buffoonish oversexed cretin who people don’t trust but invite round to their party anyway in the hope he can be goaded into pissing into his own mouth.

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