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A major Organised Crime Group which has plagued Central Police for upwards of a decade managed to infiltrate the Anti-corruption force by hiding in the unfeasibly bushy beard of Detective Sergeant Steve Arnott, according to reports today.
Senior figures within the police have been baffled by how criminals were gaining access to confidential police information, but got a breakthrough when Steve brushed his unrealistic chin-hair and several surveillance devices and a scally called Mike fell out.
Investigators admitted they’d missed the obvious when Steve grew a beard despite still only being about twelve.
“For years we were sucking diesel looking for the leak,” said one officer on condition of anonymity.
“Everyone was a suspect, but we never thought to wonder why this thing that looked like an oversized raccoon had suddenly appeared on Steve’s chin one morning.
“We must have been floating down the Laggan not to realise there was a hide in the foliage which allowed several cameras, a microphone and a man proficient in lip-reading to be concealed in all our top-level meetings.”
When asked why DS Arnott was present at top-level meetings, officers confessed that was a bit of a mystery and maybe he’d be better suited to getting the coffees in future.
Sources confirmed that Arnott will be shaving his beard to prevent further leaks just as soon as the grounds department have finished with the strimmer.
“I’m just glad he can’t fasten his waistcoat up any more so we can see there’s nothing hidden under there as well,” we were told.
